Wanda Mae was brave enough to reply to my previous post, and here is my response, as promised. It's also a comment there, but I forgot I'd make it a stand-alone too. Here it is!!!
I want to be a solid supporter for those I love. I want to be able to help those in need, and I want to cheer them up when they're sad. I want to be a game maker, or a musician (honestly I'm not sure which way anymore) or even a writer...
My perfect day is the first date. It begins hanging out with all kinds of friends, and spotting that special someone. The challenge, the back and forth battle of flirting and teasing... The pride in succeeding, since we as men are the ones who have to put it all out there and battle for your attention. That semi-awkward, elated feeling of someone as you don't know anything about them yet, and you've built them up to be perfection. "It's loud here, would you like to go somewhere more quiet?" Going on a date. A real date, something I've never truly done. Lingering well past when the bill comes, just talking and laughing, staring across the table at one another. A movie, oh a movie! That warmth of cuddling through a movie is so magical. Something girly (honestly!) because when a girl cries, and you're there to support her, there is NOTHING like it. Arm around her as she sobs into your shoulder, seeing just how sweet and sensitive she can be after what a tough front she just put up before when meeting her. Kissing the tears away. Fingertips flickering over, watching her eyes flutter as she giggles, ashamed of her tears, my finger shushing them... Don't be ashamed, dear, be proud that you can feel. Show me those feelings. Let them out, let me share them, I'll even cry with you, but my tears are of joy to have found you.
The movie ends, and once again we linger. Not even heading to the realms of dirtiness yet, just... hand in hand, fingers intertwined, the occassional chuckle and whisper as the armrests are lifted, her head to my chest. The end of the night comes, and we lose each other in the passion we have built through the day... A gentleman never tells! But in the afterglow... breath ragged, sighing, blankets our only cover, cuddled up together. Such beautiful eyes she has... Falling asleep together... Spooned tight
Sorry for the over-detail, I lost myself LOL. So moving on... What makes me smile? Laughing, knowing I can make others smile and laugh. The idea of the above coming true! Pride.
Sadness? Oh boy... random Manic Depression. Failure. Feeling useless. Loneliness. Frustration. I don't really get MAD, so instead I get sad.
I LAUGH AT EVERYTHING!!! LOL But what really makes me laugh hard? Get lost? That build up that friends can share; it starts as one stupid comment, and you roll with it until it grows into this massive joke.
I melt at romance these days. Somehow losing my wife brought romance to the forefront of my mind. All those little things... All the stuff I described up there LOL. I also melt when someone compliments me, calls me a sweet name... I know it's not meant romantically, but it's still such a sweet feeling to be appreciated or wanted in any way. "Angel" comes to mind pretty much instantly.
These days I stand for independence and individuality. BE YOURSELF!! NEVER BE ASHAMED OF YOU!!! You are special, you are an incredible person, and I don't care WHO you are, someone will love the living hell out of you as you are! Never give up on YOU. Never give up on life.
I don't know that I'd die for anything. I cannot do any good for anyone or anything if I myself am dead.
I'm passionate about my friends. The closer you let me get, the more we talk, the more passionate I will be. Not even necessarily romantically (since it happens with guys too LOL) but the more close i get, the more I'd fight for them. That's MY girl/guy, step off (again NOT romantically, being straight and all!). Fuck with them, fuck with me!
My army is, again, my friends. We are unified in our love for one another. An effective army unit is tough when necessary, and always sticks together. NEVER LEAVE ANYONE BEHIND!!!
My god? Joy. Once more, my friends. I look up to and envy things about each and every one of them, they're all amazing people. I wouldn't be friends with someone not special in some way. In a way I'm my own god too, yes, but I do not worship that god at all, nowhere near as much as one should even.
No, I wouldn't do ANYTHING for myself. I am not that dedicated. I try to be, like this diet stuff, like saving money, but gluttony gives way.
SORRY FOR THE HUGE ANSWER!!!!
Friday, February 29, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Finding Myself
This concert, nay, these past few blog-free days have really taught me something. Man cannot live by computer alone! There is much more to it! Concerts, socializing, flirting with random girls, partying with random people, making friends by doing little more than screaming "YEAH!!!!!!" as a band starts a new song... THIS is life! This comraderie with new people, forming new bonds, THIS is what it's about!
We as people, even if we don't necessarily get sick of our current friends and loves, DO need to continue finding more. Failing to do so makes us feel that we CAN'T.
To mix with this socialization, there are two other basic needs: self-confidence and individualization. Both of these areas were lacking also. Self-confidence comes from success in individualization and socializing. So the question is, who is Charlie?
Charlie likes music, and games, and funny stuff. Is that it? Can I really be summed up in 8 words? Oh, add "and likes to be there for his friends" - that makes 16 words. Not even two sentences!
I grew up with games, and what scares me (you're the first to find this out, Blog) is that they AREN'T my destiny. Music makes me so much happier these days. I do think games are fun to make, but I don't know that I could make it my life, at least not entirely. Maybe this is a good thing - I'm not fully 2d. But in redoing my profiles, I find it hard to find a true "about me". I'm a casual game developer who loves music and silly stuff and my friends.
So here's a challenge for you, all of you who read this (two people?). Comment back, or message me on Myspace or Facebook or whatever, and tell me who YOU are. Not just what you do, or what you like, YOU. Be honest with yourself, what do YOU want to be, to do, what is a perfect day for you, what makes you smile, what makes you sad, what makes you laugh, what makes you melt deep inside, what do you stand for, who or what would you die for? WHAT ARE YOU PASSIONATE ABOUT??? WHAT ARMY ARE YOU IN????? Who is your god - not like "Jesus Christ", someone you know, who you cherish and love and would do anything for. Do you have someone like that? Is your god YOU???? Would you do anything for yourself?? If anyone dares to do this, I will too, I'll make a new blog post for you to see.
Wow, I repeat myself a lot in my blog, don't I? Sorry, I do it for me, so I apologize to myself I guess>
We as people, even if we don't necessarily get sick of our current friends and loves, DO need to continue finding more. Failing to do so makes us feel that we CAN'T.
To mix with this socialization, there are two other basic needs: self-confidence and individualization. Both of these areas were lacking also. Self-confidence comes from success in individualization and socializing. So the question is, who is Charlie?
Charlie likes music, and games, and funny stuff. Is that it? Can I really be summed up in 8 words? Oh, add "and likes to be there for his friends" - that makes 16 words. Not even two sentences!
I grew up with games, and what scares me (you're the first to find this out, Blog) is that they AREN'T my destiny. Music makes me so much happier these days. I do think games are fun to make, but I don't know that I could make it my life, at least not entirely. Maybe this is a good thing - I'm not fully 2d. But in redoing my profiles, I find it hard to find a true "about me". I'm a casual game developer who loves music and silly stuff and my friends.
So here's a challenge for you, all of you who read this (two people?). Comment back, or message me on Myspace or Facebook or whatever, and tell me who YOU are. Not just what you do, or what you like, YOU. Be honest with yourself, what do YOU want to be, to do, what is a perfect day for you, what makes you smile, what makes you sad, what makes you laugh, what makes you melt deep inside, what do you stand for, who or what would you die for? WHAT ARE YOU PASSIONATE ABOUT??? WHAT ARMY ARE YOU IN????? Who is your god - not like "Jesus Christ", someone you know, who you cherish and love and would do anything for. Do you have someone like that? Is your god YOU???? Would you do anything for yourself?? If anyone dares to do this, I will too, I'll make a new blog post for you to see.
Wow, I repeat myself a lot in my blog, don't I? Sorry, I do it for me, so I apologize to myself I guess>
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Cold Wall Up
Okay, can't do it anymore. Loneliness + desperation is too dangerous a combination. Thus, I'm done for now. I am happy to have friends. Other than that, I'm done. I'm going to have to keep to myself a bit more to try to strengthen myself. I am relying too much on others, and I cannot heal that way. Sorry.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
My Return to Glory
So, I have done some soul searching today at work, and realized that while my humor has remained intact, a LOT of the things about me that really made me me have either vanished or degraded, and there are some things I have always wanted to change about myself, even from back then. I'm going to, therefore, work on fixing all of these things.
What are these things? Well, primarily for my sake (but you curious people may want to know too!), I am going to list them all, and more importantly, I'm going to list how they'll get fixed!
1) Confidence
I used to be very confident, almost overly so. These days, my confidence is rather crushed, which you can tell from this blog even! Those days are over: from now on, even if it's jokingly, I will be confident about everything! If you catch me not being confident, let me know!
2) Body
While I have lost quite a lot of weight from the old days (I was at least 350 lbs!), I am still not yet an adonis (confidence there, see, I said YET). To combat this, I am going to be looking into gym memberships, cutting out fast food (or, since we go often at work, ordering healthier things) and non-diet sodas and drinking more water.
3) Procrastination
One of my biggest problems is that I never actually DO anything, I simply put it off until later. This is why the CtC demo isn't done yet! I will from here on stop wasting so much time on the things that don't matter so much (reloading email a million times waiting for messages from people, watching TV and so on). I have discovered blogging is a wonderful way to gather and track ideas, so I will not stop this, but other priorities will be listed in my google calendar, and I WILL STICK TO IT!
4) Being Me
I am what I like to refer to as a "social chameleon." If someone else has patented that without me knowing, I apologize, but it's mine! Anyway, it basically means that whoever I'm around, I become similar to them. Like sports? So do I! Rap star? I'm down with that shiznit! You hate video games? Well, I like em, but they ARE for kids... NO MORE!! This is how relationships fail, be it friends, lovers, significant others, etc. I am me, take it or leave it.
5) Standing Up for Myself
This goes with the confidence thing, as well as the "Being Me" thing. I never, ever, EVER stand up for myself or my beliefs, EVER. That's over too though, bwahahaha! I'm not gonna be some rude asshole, and I'm not going to force my beliefs on others, but I will not hide them or my opinions if asked.
6) Sense of Style
God, I may be effeminate in my feelings, listening to what people say (genuinely!) and whatnot, but I do NOT have ANY sense of style. Hair? Keep it out of my eyes. Clothes? What's Clean? Facial Hair? If there's a boss coming, I shave, otherwise who cares? Now this one I'm not sure how to fix... I think I'll ask for your help though! I will take some pictures of myself and post them in another blog post soon(that's NOT procrastinating, my camera phone doesn't take pics when it's this dark, and I'm going to be busy ALL day Sunday and Monday), perhaps you will have some ideas? I'm also going to buy a trimmer and let my beard grow in some, then shave off parts at a time, taking pictures as I go, then shaving more until clean shaven, so I/we can figure out what works!
So, there you have it! Six ways that Charlie will return to power, to morph into Chuck. It's not overnight, mind you (damn that'd be awesome though!), but these changes WILL be made. I will no longer be just a funny boy, I'll be a funny, handsome, powerful, confident man. Body, mind and soul.
What are these things? Well, primarily for my sake (but you curious people may want to know too!), I am going to list them all, and more importantly, I'm going to list how they'll get fixed!
1) Confidence
I used to be very confident, almost overly so. These days, my confidence is rather crushed, which you can tell from this blog even! Those days are over: from now on, even if it's jokingly, I will be confident about everything! If you catch me not being confident, let me know!
2) Body
While I have lost quite a lot of weight from the old days (I was at least 350 lbs!), I am still not yet an adonis (confidence there, see, I said YET). To combat this, I am going to be looking into gym memberships, cutting out fast food (or, since we go often at work, ordering healthier things) and non-diet sodas and drinking more water.
3) Procrastination
One of my biggest problems is that I never actually DO anything, I simply put it off until later. This is why the CtC demo isn't done yet! I will from here on stop wasting so much time on the things that don't matter so much (reloading email a million times waiting for messages from people, watching TV and so on). I have discovered blogging is a wonderful way to gather and track ideas, so I will not stop this, but other priorities will be listed in my google calendar, and I WILL STICK TO IT!
4) Being Me
I am what I like to refer to as a "social chameleon." If someone else has patented that without me knowing, I apologize, but it's mine! Anyway, it basically means that whoever I'm around, I become similar to them. Like sports? So do I! Rap star? I'm down with that shiznit! You hate video games? Well, I like em, but they ARE for kids... NO MORE!! This is how relationships fail, be it friends, lovers, significant others, etc. I am me, take it or leave it.
5) Standing Up for Myself
This goes with the confidence thing, as well as the "Being Me" thing. I never, ever, EVER stand up for myself or my beliefs, EVER. That's over too though, bwahahaha! I'm not gonna be some rude asshole, and I'm not going to force my beliefs on others, but I will not hide them or my opinions if asked.
6) Sense of Style
God, I may be effeminate in my feelings, listening to what people say (genuinely!) and whatnot, but I do NOT have ANY sense of style. Hair? Keep it out of my eyes. Clothes? What's Clean? Facial Hair? If there's a boss coming, I shave, otherwise who cares? Now this one I'm not sure how to fix... I think I'll ask for your help though! I will take some pictures of myself and post them in another blog post soon(that's NOT procrastinating, my camera phone doesn't take pics when it's this dark, and I'm going to be busy ALL day Sunday and Monday), perhaps you will have some ideas? I'm also going to buy a trimmer and let my beard grow in some, then shave off parts at a time, taking pictures as I go, then shaving more until clean shaven, so I/we can figure out what works!
So, there you have it! Six ways that Charlie will return to power, to morph into Chuck. It's not overnight, mind you (damn that'd be awesome though!), but these changes WILL be made. I will no longer be just a funny boy, I'll be a funny, handsome, powerful, confident man. Body, mind and soul.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Weird New Feeling
~~~~ First off, let me preface this by saying that originally, this blog was going to be about badass stuff. Music, games, game development, and all that hullaballoo. Instead, it's been about... *shudders* feelings!! So for those of you looking for bad ass stuff only, I'm going to start those posts with "BADASS: ". Since this one does not start that way, it is, in fact, NOT badass ~~~~
What is this new feeling coming over me? I know this one will sound ridiculous to most of you, but it's a new one to me. This sensation... of missing someone. Not just missing them, thinking of them in passing and such, but actually aching. Never before have I ached because someone wasn't around. Sadness is a semi-familiar emotion, but emptiness?? I have so much to be proud of, so much to be happy about - hell, I'm the Guitar Hero, the game programmer, I'M CHUCK!!! - but this emptiness is all consuming. The funny thing is, I'd bet money on the fact that the feelings are one way, so they shouldn't even exist! Damn you, weird, unknown feelings! Will you go away one day? How temporary are you? Are you permanent, even? If you are permanent, is there a way to remove you just in case? WHAT ARE YOU???
Suddenly those commercials come to mind, the ones where someone tough - a fireman or whatnot - is there, and they talk about how tough they are, then say that something "so small they can't even see it could knock them out - a clot". This is how I feel. Feelings are invisible to the naked eye... Hell, they're invisible entirely! Yet they can bring someone down so easily, or bring them to heights of pleasure unknown through any other way.
I used to keep myself cold. I used to shut off emotion, to just... be. Sure, I never got really happy, but I also never felt these crazy things either. And there is a different kind of happiness in isolation, but it's not really the same... Damn friggin crazy ass girly emotions that we men are supposed to be immune to!
What is this new feeling coming over me? I know this one will sound ridiculous to most of you, but it's a new one to me. This sensation... of missing someone. Not just missing them, thinking of them in passing and such, but actually aching. Never before have I ached because someone wasn't around. Sadness is a semi-familiar emotion, but emptiness?? I have so much to be proud of, so much to be happy about - hell, I'm the Guitar Hero, the game programmer, I'M CHUCK!!! - but this emptiness is all consuming. The funny thing is, I'd bet money on the fact that the feelings are one way, so they shouldn't even exist! Damn you, weird, unknown feelings! Will you go away one day? How temporary are you? Are you permanent, even? If you are permanent, is there a way to remove you just in case? WHAT ARE YOU???
Suddenly those commercials come to mind, the ones where someone tough - a fireman or whatnot - is there, and they talk about how tough they are, then say that something "so small they can't even see it could knock them out - a clot". This is how I feel. Feelings are invisible to the naked eye... Hell, they're invisible entirely! Yet they can bring someone down so easily, or bring them to heights of pleasure unknown through any other way.
I used to keep myself cold. I used to shut off emotion, to just... be. Sure, I never got really happy, but I also never felt these crazy things either. And there is a different kind of happiness in isolation, but it's not really the same... Damn friggin crazy ass girly emotions that we men are supposed to be immune to!
Pain Without Pleasure
Why is it that there are people in our lives who cannot possibly make us happy, yet can enrage or depress us with such ease? What gives them the power to hit our switches the way they do? Why can't we tone them out the way we do with others?
Ha, that's probably my shortest post ever. There you have it.
Ha, that's probably my shortest post ever. There you have it.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Back to Writing
Oh how I used to love to write! I wrote poems and stories all day, and then gave it up as something silly. Now a challenge has fallen into my lap, one that challenges my abilities as both a writer and a man.
The story in question is about the meeting and coming together of two semi-fictional characters. Now, I had always considered romance total hullabaloo (sorry if that's spelled wrong, I just had to use it), but perhaps with some humor and a good person to use as inspiration, it can be done!
Romance cynic vs. the love story. Here it goes!
The story in question is about the meeting and coming together of two semi-fictional characters. Now, I had always considered romance total hullabaloo (sorry if that's spelled wrong, I just had to use it), but perhaps with some humor and a good person to use as inspiration, it can be done!
Romance cynic vs. the love story. Here it goes!
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Special Friends are what Life is About
WOW! Let me start this post by saying that today has been the most SPECTACULAR day! I got a mattress from Gwen and tried it out... ooohhhhh *drools*... And speaking of drooling, never have I drooled so much in one day!
Who, or what, was the source of such drooling? Thanks for asking! Her name is Chanel Raspberry Chocolate, and she wears comfy clothes and toe socks, and she thinks she's kiss proof but oh no, she's quite the opposite! She is sooooo funny and is such a great supporter. So, Chanel, wherever you may be, all I can say is... Let's meet at the huge 17 in the middle of 55th!
Who, or what, was the source of such drooling? Thanks for asking! Her name is Chanel Raspberry Chocolate, and she wears comfy clothes and toe socks, and she thinks she's kiss proof but oh no, she's quite the opposite! She is sooooo funny and is such a great supporter. So, Chanel, wherever you may be, all I can say is... Let's meet at the huge 17 in the middle of 55th!
NEW BED!!
WOOHOO, I just got a new bed (well, mattress at least) so I don't have to sleep on the floor!!! It's the smallest kind, what is that, twin? full? So it's just the right size for me. I had adjusted to the floor so much that a simple mattress is soooo nice! *happy dances*
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Oh, Silly Me!
... I forgot the biggest rule of bad days is that it take bad days before you get good days! Now, at the risk of jinxing the night, today has gone very smoothly, and best of all, I'm off tomorrow!
To add, I will be working further on CtC tonight and tomorrow. I've said it before, but the game is getting close to demo completion! It's actually rather possible that it will be ready by the end of Q1 (end of March) still, despite all the things that have happened this last month.
ALSO, I AM STILL LOOKING FOR VOICE ACTORS/ACTRESSES!! I do not have money to pay, but you will earn eternal gratitude and I will get you ny kind of reimbursement I can. If you're interested, please let me know. And this goes for kids too (with parent's permission of course), critters are like cartoons and have goofy voices!
To add, I will be working further on CtC tonight and tomorrow. I've said it before, but the game is getting close to demo completion! It's actually rather possible that it will be ready by the end of Q1 (end of March) still, despite all the things that have happened this last month.
ALSO, I AM STILL LOOKING FOR VOICE ACTORS/ACTRESSES!! I do not have money to pay, but you will earn eternal gratitude and I will get you ny kind of reimbursement I can. If you're interested, please let me know. And this goes for kids too (with parent's permission of course), critters are like cartoons and have goofy voices!
Monday, February 18, 2008
Predictions
Oh boy, not even 9am and it's already shaping up to be a rough day. Don't you just love when that happens? Argh! Well, work is about to begin, and will end in... 11 hours, joy!
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Purchasing of Necessities and Muse: Invincible. Awesome Song!
Alrighty! So this week, I had $100, which is a lot of money on top of the bills to pay, right? But then I realized that I really needed a printer ($30), some paper ($5), helped with groceries ($10), "Black Holes and Revelations" by Muse ($15), razors, shaving cream and assorted dollar store stuff ($10) and a special dinner for us ($20). Oopsies, down to $10 already! Dang, money goes fast, doesn't it? Only have to make it last for 5 more days...
Oh, but as a "gift", everyone in the world needs to watch this music video. Absolutely awesome. Muse has 3 members only, and yet they manage to make some amazing music. This is a video for their song "Invincible". It's a very sweet song, although it rocks out a bit toward the end as well. And the video itself is amazing, very well done! If you like this one, search youtube for "Knights of Cydonia" also - funny video, and another great song
Oh, but as a "gift", everyone in the world needs to watch this music video. Absolutely awesome. Muse has 3 members only, and yet they manage to make some amazing music. This is a video for their song "Invincible". It's a very sweet song, although it rocks out a bit toward the end as well. And the video itself is amazing, very well done! If you like this one, search youtube for "Knights of Cydonia" also - funny video, and another great song
Saturday, February 16, 2008
I'm Back: Redux
Okay, so I don't really want to go into details too deeply, but due to personal circumstances I've been... busy the last two months. So what's changed? New address, where all I took was my clothes, toothbrush, my files, iPod, pillows (no bed) and laptop. Yep, you heard right: a gamer from the time I was 4 on my parents' Atari through the ages, suddenly without a single gaming system! But I have learned two major things:
1) Personal belongings get in the way!! I am just as happy watching TV on our 19" TV with no HD or premium cable (DO have the basic package though!) and, again, no gaming systems, as I was before.
2) I am a casual gamer, so other than missing Rock Band (which is expensive as all hell to replace), all the games I could ever want are here on the computer anyway!
"So Charlie, what have you been up to in nearly 2 months," you ask? Well, Crush the Critters is getting ever-closer; the list of to-dos is getting smaller and smaller. I moved and I'm learning to be independent. I know that 25 year olds should know how to do things on their own, but I've never had to - I moved out when I was 18 directly in with Gwen, and had been with her since. Stepping up might be scary, sure, but it's a part of life.
I am now going to blog nightly, about whatever the heck might be going on, no matter how mundane! Oh, what you have to look forward to! *Insert evil laugh here*
1) Personal belongings get in the way!! I am just as happy watching TV on our 19" TV with no HD or premium cable (DO have the basic package though!) and, again, no gaming systems, as I was before.
2) I am a casual gamer, so other than missing Rock Band (which is expensive as all hell to replace), all the games I could ever want are here on the computer anyway!
"So Charlie, what have you been up to in nearly 2 months," you ask? Well, Crush the Critters is getting ever-closer; the list of to-dos is getting smaller and smaller. I moved and I'm learning to be independent. I know that 25 year olds should know how to do things on their own, but I've never had to - I moved out when I was 18 directly in with Gwen, and had been with her since. Stepping up might be scary, sure, but it's a part of life.
I am now going to blog nightly, about whatever the heck might be going on, no matter how mundane! Oh, what you have to look forward to! *Insert evil laugh here*
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
