PaD 52/365: The Perfect Wish

LONGER poem this time, bear with me! It's good though, I swear :)

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I came across a lamp one day,

And just knew it had a genie within:

It was gold

It had the right shape

And it had written upon it:

“Rub here to release genie.”

So I did.

With smoke and fog lights aplenty

A genie it did produce,

Who with a booming voice

Stated the obvious:

“One wish is now yours,

Choose wisely.”

“One wish?”

I ask

“Isn't it three?”

“The problem with you humans,”

The genie stated -

Angry,

Looking down at me -

“Is when you are given something so spectacular,

All you do is whine it's not more.

Enjoy what you've got,

Be grateful for what you receive,

And make the dang wish.”

Upon hearing his words,

Striking so true,

I sat and thought.

And thought.

And thought.
And thought.

And thought.

And thought.

And

T

H

Oh I've got it!

Only forty-two hours later,

I approached the Genie

Who slept in his impatience.

Tapping his shoulder,

Clearing my throat,

I stated clearly:

I don't wish for fortune,

For then I would not know pride for what I've earned.

I don't wish for might,

Then I'd never know true strength: resisting weakness.

I don't wish for knowledge,

For then I'd have avoided the lessons behind it.

I don't wish for invisibility,

I'm not noticed enough as it is!

I don't wish to be able to fly,

I need to stay grounded.

All I can wish for is a life full of challenge,

To learn my lessons and to grow.

For life is not about getting what you want,

Or even getting what you need,

It's about working for them,

Earning them,

Then appreciating them.

So my wish is simply this:

BRING IT ON.

PaD 51/365: I Don't Wanna

There are people I have to see,

But I don't wanna.

There are times I have to pee,

But I don't wanna.

There are things I have to do,

But I don't wanna.

I always eventually have to say goodbye to you,

But I don't wanna.

I should try to make this poem longer,

But I don't wanna.

And I don't have to, so there.

PaD 50/365: Text Editor

Okay, so I DEFINITELY did not do the 10+ challenge today. It was a very busy day, and I've had a horrid migraine through it all. It's also been a day of complex, conflicting emotions and major exhaustion. So.... there's one.

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Why can't life be like Word?

You laugh, I'm sure.

But just think...

Word starts as an empty document, a clean slate,

As you type, the pages fill: life's perfect euphemistic mate.

But in Word, you can backspace anything you want erased,

And if you like something, you can copy/paste.

If you want to take a break, you can Save,

So you can take crazy chances, be much more brave.

Later, just click Load when you want it all back,

Unless, of course, there's a virus attack...

You can format text to look however you want,

So some parts stick out, and others are hidden.

Once it's typed, anytime you want to share,

Just Ctrl + P and a copy's right there!

And if you're at a loss for words, this is great:

You can simply load up a handy dandy template!

Although really, Word is far too commercialized, indeed,

Maybe Open Office or Google Docs are more up to speed?

PaD 49/365: Disconnect

Wow, so 50 falls on a Sunday! So perhaps I can finally do that 10+ in one day challenge I wanted to do... bwahahahaha. But anyway, here's today's.

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Good night!

See you tomorrow?

Okay, good night.

Oh wait, I forgot...

And then...

OKAY, bed time.

Sweet dreams.

Don't miss me too much!

....Still there?

I couldn't sleep...

I missed you.

I did, really!

I, well...

I think I love y...

ZZzzzzZZZzzzzz...

PaD 48/365: Stop and Go

Two car ones in a row!!! LOL spent 3 hours in stop and stop and stop and go traffic for what should have been half an hour, so here ya go!!!

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Lanes slow to a halt,

I know I'm going left

So in the left lane I go.

Your lanes move faster.
Temptation to move over,

But no, I stay here and suffer.

A sign above declares my victory:

“Two right lanes end, merge left”

Then why is ours the one to crawl?

Cars ahead let them in, I see,

Why is it that these cars can't see

That their kindness is our pain?

Now I'm finally free, after hours of pain

Screw y'all, I'm gonna fly!

Well fine... You can go ahead...

PaD 47/365: Heaven on Four Wheels

Heaven on four wheels

As we fly down the highway.

Destination: unconcerned.

Windows open

Wind in our hair,

What's left of it at least

As we chase down the road.

Oh the road!

The road isn't clear,

In fact

We embrace our neighbors

In their metal homes.

We wave

We nod

We ride alongside and share tunes.

Oh the tunes!

Our own soundtrack,

We have it all.

Rock to make us cheer,

Punk to rebel and push,

Soundtracks to remember,

The rest for smiles.

Oh your smile!
Your laugh

Your off-key singing

God do you suck at singing

But its the best in the world to me.

My mirrors see the road

See our neighbors

But they see you too.

Let's go!

PaD 46/365: TRUE Love

True love is smiles and sunshine,

It's being together all of the time,
It's never fighting and always supporting,

Always joyously skipping, cavorting.

Who needs money when you have love?
It sends you to the clouds and above.

It engulfs your life, you think of them all day,

Then when you're together, you're speechless; nothing to say.

WRONG.

Sorry,

Survey says... EEEHHH!!

TRUE love does not make you my life,

It makes me want to tell you all about mine.

TRUE love does not make me forget all else,

But, as I live it, you're top priority over all that I find.

TRUE love does not mean constant joy,

It means someone who's there to catch when you fall.

TRUE love does not mean you are my everything,

It means you're my best friend, my partner, my co-all.

So when I tell you I love you, don't see the cliché,

Just re-read these words, listen to all that I say.

It means SHARING, not GIVING, all of my days,

Through highs and lows, forever and always.

PaD 45/365: I'm Eating It!

Open the doors, get in line,

Look at the menu, what'll I find?

Oh, it's been such a crappy day,

So no dollar menu for me today!

Give me a number 3, Ubersized,

And can I get some sauce for my fries?

Fill up my drink and chug chug chug

Then fill it again, my refillable mug.

“Number 712, your food is here,”

Nice to meet you number three, your end is near.

Oh that burger, what a taste,

I'll come again, believe you me, post haste!

Eat it all up, so delish,

So much better than a sandwich with fish.

And those fries, golden sticks of joy,

A feast of a meal for a girl or a boy.

I flip my fry container upside down

And I just can't help but frown...

No more burger, no more fries,

But they'll be back, headed right to my thighs.

PaD 44/365: Don't Let Go

I lie here,

Chest heaving,

Body aching,

Grasping it tight.

Can't let it fall.

No.

I can't lose you,

Please no.

Grasping tight.

Just one more moment...

But I am denied.

It slides from my fingers...

It falls to the floor...

I'm sorry...

I struggled with sleepiness

But couldn't hold on

Had to let go.

Didn't get to say good night.

Text message unsent.

PaD 43/365: Come in the Backdoor

I arrive home to my happy woman,

When she calls out to me through a window's crack:

“Honey, you always come in the front door,

Do you think tonight you can come in the back?”

I think for a moment, such a strange request,

But I'd do anything for her, her joy is my goal.

So I walk around the home and retrieve my key,

But it doesn't seem to fit in the keyhole.

“Lubricate it, dear, sometimes it sticks,”

She calls out with her innocent grin

As I slather up my key with some WD40

And once more try to work it in.

It slides in slowly, with still some trouble,

So I work it in and out and in and out,

It seems the key just hardly fits in,

And so whether it'll even fit becomes a doubt.

All the while a squeal grows louder

With every twist of my key a grimace comes from you.

“Reach down and twist the knob,” My dear calls out to me,

“Never forget the knob needs your attention too.”

Finally the key slides all the way inside

But still the door mocks me, sealed.

So I bang on the door, pushing, banging,

Hand twisting and pulling at the knob until it yields.

As the door flies open, I find my girl,

She smiles, a flush of excitement on her face like never before.

“Finally slid in through the back, huh?” She asks,

“Now come to do me what you did to that door!”

PaD 42/365: Death by Desire

I've heard of being drawn and quartered
This is much like it, you see.
I am being torn asunder in every direction.

I am not being torn by rope or horse,
But something tells me you already knew that.
No, I am torn by "desire and require".

I am desired and required by things and folk
They each grab or stick on to a piece of me
And pull, pull with all their might

I desire and require other things and folk
So I velcro myself to them all over
Then am pulled with all their might.

The diference is that no one wants
To die a horrible death by being ripped apart,
Yet I would be offended if not.

When apart, I give my all, you each get a piece.
So when you tug at me, please don't apologize,
For when you do, you remind me, I am yours.

PaD 41/365: Body Age

So thanks to modern tech

I know my brain age is 25,

Which is just how old I am.

But what about the rest of me?

So I created a device

From random electric junk

Like plugs and wires and switches

And lights and other cool stuff.

And somehow I didn't get fried.

So here are my results:

Aaaaaaaaaand GO!

My face is 60: unless I shave

My eyes are 15: innocent and pure

My smile is 33: wise yet still young

My hands 200: should have died long ago

But the most important of all

My heart is 5: so new to this world, full of curiosity

It wants everything and it wants it now

It doesn't want to share, no matter who's turn it is.

It is picky, but once it chooses it's set.

It is gullible and so easy to harm.

It has fallen and scraped for it can walk and run,

Yet it gladly gets back up for more.

Would you care for a try?

PaD 40/365: Battle Weary

Welcome to my life!!!

------------------------

BATTLE WEARY

I get upon my steed, leaving the battlefield,

My job done, but my body shows it.

My arms quaking, sword too heavy to carry,

My shield worn, a blacksmith's worst nightmare.

I have wounds I never realized open my flesh,

Their sting unfelt, but tomorrow they shall,

Sweat drips from me as though in a hurricane

As my mind cries for relief only one thing can bring.

Sometimes I wish I had never fought this war,

The battles are the same day in and day out.

Sometimes I wish that I could myself fall in a struggle,

A quick sting followed by peace.

But then you go and soothe me,

Your hands knead my dirty-bloody skin

As you speak those words I so long to hear,

“Welcome home, my knight, I'm here.”

PaD 39: Where is The One?

He's the one.

She's the one.

Nope.

You were raised to think
There's only one.

Sorta.

One person who will

Love you unconditionally

And you will love back

And will make you whole

And who is your all.

Kinda.

But then who will

Make me whole?

Make me happy?

Make me a better person?

Duh.

NO ONE will

Make you whole

Make you happy

Make you better

Make you YOU

Except

You.

PaD 38/365: Rockgasm

Fun one, written while I was in the middle of carrying out the nefarious act... ;)

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ROCKGASM

Give it to me hard,

Yeah, I like it like that.

I love to feel it vibrate through me,

Make my body tremble!

My whole body moves with it,

I just can't help myself.

Pounding, can't get enough,

But then it's over far too soon.

Oh it's back, stronger than ever,

I love it, don't ever stop,

I want this to go on forever.

Fist pumping, going crazy here.

I'm gonna... Ooohhhh I'm gonna...

ROOOOOOOOOOOCK!

PaD 37.5: Institution

So I got on an anti-schooling kick. Sorry, it sucks!!!

----------------------

Innocence.

Joy.

Smiles and sunshine.

Freedom.

Giggles.

Dance with me.

No more.

Sit.

Quiet.

Listen to me damnit!

Speak.

Good boy.

It wasn't always like this.

Colors, so bright

Nearly blinded

But what a way to lose sight.

So much better than your way.

YOUR way, not mine.

I used to see,

I used to hear,

I used to live my way.

Yet you are a government employee

Not a thief?

It's like war:

Kill one and you're a murderer

But kill a zillion and you're a hero.

You rob one and you're a thief,

But rob all the youth and you're an institution of learning.

Institution is right.

PaD 37/365: Regurgiation of Factualization

Soapbox time! Passion of hatred follows.

------------------------

REGURGITATION OF FACTUALIZATION

I used to have a name,

Nay, I used to have three:

a) Charles

b) Derek

c) Jackson

What is your scantron choice?

Fill in the fucking circle

Using your number two pencil

There's plenty of number two around if you run out.

If you must erase,

Then just give up, you're a loser anyway.

Odd choice of words, that was your choice.

Loser.

Moron.

Retard.

Fuck up.

That's me.

Because I don't conform?

Because I question?

Because I refuse

To be

You?

Regurgitate!

But my future depends on this,

On regurgitation of factualization,

Not knowledge.

But I digress

This isn't an essay

It's a multiple choice

Where no answer is right

One is just “most right.”

Is that the real meaning?

In life, you're never right,

Just “most right?”

Just fill in the damn circle.

Time is running out.

Now regurgitate.

I came here as a boy

To leave as a man

But now I am neither.

Your words, castration.

I am neutered,

I am robot,

I am student.

Tax dollars hard at work.

When I leave here

I will work.

I will earn money.

I will pay taxes.

Then my own children

Will grow and enter these halls

On my tax dollar

To regurgitate

The regurgitation

Of factualization.

PaD 36/365: Geocaching

I apologize for such a short and simple one tonight, it has been ONE HELL of a day. Goodness, I couldn't explain it all in a day, so I dunno how it all HAPPENED in one. Let's just say it turned out to be an amazingly good one all around :) I was going to write this one AND a few more based on Geocaching, but alas, it is only one. Tomorrow's will be something special!

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GEOCACHING

Geocache

Hidden stash

GPS

Treasure express

Microfind

Mastermind

Ammo Box

Made out like a fox

PaD 35/365: Flushalotzl

A silly little poem... Enjoy! Definitely muse inspired LOL since she's the one who started this mess...

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FLUSHALOTZL

Oh great Aztec God Flushalotzl,

I come to you with my gift at last.

I stand before you, gift giver in hand,

And spill all the gold I have amassed.

Once the God Flushalotzl is appeased
I depart to amass even more.

These treasures I will forever deposit

As is told in the God Flyshalotzl's lore.

Some days God Flushalotzl calls for sacrifices of amber

A precious gift even rarer than gold.

One must eat burgers, fried chicken and fast food:

Food of greasiness and fattiness untold.

Oh great Aztec God Flushalotzl,

Please accept all my sacrifices as they are,

Please do not tempt me to give them

In public, during exciting TV or in my car.

Oops...

Hey, so I can't post my stuff on my site until I get a new FTP program; the 30 day trial on the current one ended. I will have to wait til Sunday to get stuff up on the site, not that anyone goes there anyway, so no biggie!

PaD 34.5: Oh Shit

Quick little haiku!

----------------

OH SHIT

Oh wow, that was great!
Oh, you ARE on the pill, right?
Oh motherfucker!

PaD 34/365: Rise to Fall Again

This was written for a challenge on writing a song on your favorite band. I said I'd write one about MANY favorite bands, since I could never have just one; this first one is for Rise Against, and it is a song lyric:

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RISE TO FALL AGAIN

I'm no one man army,

But I stand.

I'm no invincible tank,

But I will take what you've got.

I'm no bored superhero,

But I will fight for those who are weak.

I'm no suave, teched-out spy,

But I will dust off the dirt when I fall and rise.

[CHORUS]

And I will rise

And I will fall again.

We never truly stand if we do not risk the fall

Like we never know health without fighting sickness

I will rise

And I will fall again.

We're no dynamic duo,

But we can withstand what life's got.

We're no merry men,

But we are not afraid to stand against an evil sheriff.

We're no Rich and Famous,

But we get the bills paid.

We don't have to be here,

But we are, and we will be until our time comes.

[REPEAT CHORUS]

[Solo]

I will Rise....

I will rise....

WE WILL RISE

TO FALL

AND RISE ONCE MORE!!!

[REPEAT CHORUS]

[Instruments slowing, quiet, gentle single guitar with light taps on cymbals on drum only]

And I will fall...

Yes I will fall...

We will fall...

But.......

[Instruments pick back up]

WE WILL RISE

WE WILL RISE AGAIN

WE WILL RISE AGAAAAAIIIIIINNNNNN!!!!!

PaD 33/365: The Silly Poet's Anthem

Coming to realize it's okay to be a silly poet, I wrote this one today!

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THE SILLY POET'S ANTHEM

There is always a place for meter and rhyme,

But this is not the place, and this is not the time.

This is a poem for those who want a few chuckles (Chuckles?)

When life has them down and really sucks...les.

I will appreciate poetry for all it can be,

Both serious and deep as well as funny, I decree.

Humor is not a thing to be held ransom,

And so I recite The Silly Poet's Anthem.

I hereby do attest,

Not all poems must rhyme.

Not all poems must flow.

Not all poems must be serious.

Not all poems must even be good.

Nor must all poems make sense.

Not all poems must be written.

Not all poems are words at all.

Sometimes the best poem is the way you laugh.

I'd say, in fact, laughs to thought should be half to half,

For as important as it is to decipher life's facts,

It's just as important to sit back and chillax.

And I swear, I'd totally put my money where my arse is,

To say that laughter is a mind's best catharsis.

So go ahead, laugh, smile, giggle, chuckle,

Once you do, you'll most surely be in luck...le.

PaD 32/365: Bardic Tale - The Evil Wizard

New experiment: Try to take the Cataclysmic Bard and weave a tale for him! This is his villain, The Evil Wizard, who harnesses the power of his anger to use his magic.

This is a song lyric, so notes are throughout!

-----------------------

BARDIC TALE: THE EVIL WIZARD

[low tone, hardly audible, instruments just starting to swell]

Eviiiilllll....

Pure eeeviiillll....

He sits

In his home

With his parents

I guess it's no wonder he's

[instruments blaze, capital letters screamed in faux death metal style]

EEEEVVIIIIILLLLLL

SO EEEVVVIILL!!!!!!

His face shrouded in darkness,

His cloak always blows,

His hair is always perfect

And he always irons his clothes.

We all know what kind of people iron their clothes...

EEEEVVVVIIILLLLLL

FRICKIN EEEVVVIIILLLL peeeeeooopppllllleeee!!!

He goes to funerals but never signs the guestbook!

And when the invite says BYOB he just steals other people's beer!

Perhaps worst of all, when you sneeze, he won't say “bless you!”

Oh, and sometimes he wets his finger, then sticks it in your ear!

[these small parts are strummed with a solo guitar, gently, just like the first part]

But oh yeah....

He also preaches on hatred and pain to convert the weak minded,

Then he uses them to burn his enemies' villages to the ground.

Then he dances on the ashes and laughs in their face

As people cry and mindlessly, helplessly run around.

Aaaannnddd heee....

Has slain many heroes who have stood in his way,

And yet doesn't even break a sweat.

I'm going to have to rock his socks off,

Destroy him with my metal, so he's no longer a threat.

Cause he's....

EEEEEEVIIIIIILLLLL!!!!!!!!!

PaD 31/365: Cuddleupagus

Perhaps not so much a poem as a rant, but done in a poetic way!

Also, I didn't get yesterday's or today's poems up on the website, but it will be done in the morning!

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CUDDLEUPAGUS

I want your arms,

I want your touch,

That warmth when we're close.

Give me you.

Give me you as close as space allows.

I'm sleepy,

Are you?

You're so cute when you sleep.

Your sigh, your smile,

That look on your face, content, at peace.

I'll spoon you, I'll hold you.

You feel so nice.

I'm bored.

What about a movie?

We need popcorn,

We need soda,

I need you.

It's just not a movie without your head on my shoulder,

On my chest

Up against my own.

Hey you.

Are you still breathing?

Then why are you breathing so far away?

I want you close.

I want that peace.

Let me feel you here with me.

Please?

With whipped cream on top?

Yay!

PaD 30/365: The Most Powerful Thing

Because of the most powerful thing, actually, I cannot really give any kind of description here, and I'll be posting this on the site in the morning. Do read, you'll get it!!

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THE MOST POWERFUL THING

There are those that claim that money rules the world,

And sure, it's important, but certainly not king.

Others say that the pursuit of happiness is what counts,

And sure, you've gotta be happy, but it's not the most important thing.

Yet more say it's love, “all you need is love,”

But in one thing does power run even more deep.

No matter what you do, who you are or what you love,

The most powerful thing of all is, unfortunately, sleep.

ZZzzzzzzZZzzzzzz.....

PaD 29/365: Freshly Baked Love

This is a wonderful recipe! It is also one that you will want to use whenever possible.

---------------------------

FRESHLY BAKED LOVE

1 full human being, uncooked. Ensure that it has no foul odor.

2 cups understanding.

1 lb. humor. Dark or light works, although I've found that a mix of the two works best.

2 tbsp. sugar. Again, more or less according to taste. Some, I've heard, actually prefer theirs entirely unsweetened!

1 yourself. This should be pretty handy already.

15 lbs. spice. This can be most any kind: from sweetened cinnamon to the hottest hot sauce you can find.

--------------------------

Take the full human being and add the understanding, humor and sugar to taste. Feel free to add more as you mix to make sure you get it just right.

Once done, mix in the yourself. Don't use a spoon or mixer, mixing is best done with bare fingers and hands. Ensure a slow, gentle mixing to start, gradually working up until kneading the mixture roughly. Please note: Sometimes it works best to keep with a gentle mix all the way through, and others it just doesn't go right without diving straight into the rough mixing.

Add at least a pinch or two of the spice. You will still have plenty of spice left; trust me, you'll need it later.

Put the mixture somewhere covered from view; Freshly Baked Love manages to actually heat itself without any form of cooking! Please do note, however: for some mixes, it's actually better to leave it uncovered right in the middle of the room, or even outside.

Licking the bowl and fingers is always encouraged for Freshly Baked Love!

PaD 28.5: Delectable

Licking my lips,

I salivate for you.

Finger dipping and withdrawing

Delectable ambrosia.

Unable to resist

Burying my face directly in the source.

Lapping, searching out every drop,

My face covered,

I don't care,

I just want it all,

Give me more.

PaD 28/365: Tomorrow

Just a friendly reminder that the future is a clean slate as far as our lives go! Plus, if tomorrow ISN'T better, then the day after will be!

---------------------------

There are always days when you're out of luck,

And yeah, those days really, truly suck.

From a wise red-headed girl, these words I'll borrow:

“The sun will come out, tomorrow.”

Every day brings with it redemption,

And today's tomorrow is no exemption.

So even if today's a piece of crap, don't forget,

Don't give up, because tomorrow shall be better yet.

PaD 27/365: Abyss

Another more serious poem with another more hidden meaning. Trying to step further and further into the "real" stuff... But will make sure there's plenty of silly too!

----------------------------

ABYSS

Upright in a pit of mud,

Slippery, deep, submerged:

In it above my head.

I grasp at the green,

Beckoning, tempting,

Siren's call of freedom,

And sometimes I escape.

Exhausted, panting yet

Free, elated, weight from my shoulders.

But then the wind blows just right,

Or the earth quakes,

Or I am simply pushed,

Or I wander and forget

And I am once more

Upright in a pit of mud,

Slippery, deep, submerged:

In it above my head.

PaD 26/365: No Worries

So, back to poetry! This one is pretty self explanatory, and a major call out to my muse.

------------------------

NO WORRIES

No worries.

It doesn't matter that you're a little late,

It matters that you came at all.

No worries.

It doesn't matter that you forgot the raspberry chocolates,

At least you got the coffee, the stickers, the 15 count pencils and the rest of the stuff.

No worries.

It's okay that you worry,

But around me, there's no need.

No worries.

So, you're not perfect,

But you're here.

No worries.

So it doesn't rhyme or flow,

You still wrote it for me.

PaD 25/365: Body by Hardcore Shit

Today, for the 25th PaD, I decided to try something different: THIS IS NOT A POEM! This is, instead, a faux commercial script. I saw a "paid advertisement" for something called Hip Hop Abs, and figured this would be the next logical step (also, something I'd enjoy much more!). I do hope it is enjoyed!

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BODY BY HARDCORE SHIT

Are you sick of diets and exercise that just don't work? Do you try it half-ass, then get bored and throw in the towel? Sick of having to interrupt your life for exercise that you don't even like to do?

By the makers of Hip Hop Abs comes Body by Hardcore Shit! We know that not everyone is into Rihanna, a dozen Soulja Boy remakes and the like, so this exercise program is all about hardcore music! The soundtrack includes music by Trivium, Killswitch Engage, As I Lay Dying, Static-X, Slayer, Chimaira and many more gods of hardcore shit!

Forget the lame crunches, push ups, pull ups and sit ups! Body by Hardcore Shit introduces a new form of exercise, something you should be much more familiar with: headbanging and moshing! That's right, you'll receive three dummies with your videos, all programmed to give you the best moshing workout you can get. When the songs hit their high point, scream your fucking ass off along, burning more precious calories, as well as the ability to order your fast food items when your voice is gone!

And fuck those lame leotards in the other videos! Our demo exercisers wear just what you'd wear: concert Ts, jeans, leather, chains, you name it! They'll go from the basic techniques of bouncing around while standing and banging your head to the advanced stuff like body surfing, moshing to the death and lifting your girlfriend over your head so she can flash the band! For the ladies, you'll even learn how to remove your panties without taking your pants off, and then throw them with pinpoint accuracy right into that hot lead guitarist's face! For the men, well... You can watch women practicing removing their panties!

Don't take my word for it though, listen to these testimonials from Body by Hardcore Shit users, the only three that we could find that passed the drug and alcohol tests:

“Dude, that was totally fucking awesome! It was like getting to watch hot girls bounce around to the music I've got on CD, all for the cost of only like 2 concert tickets!”

- Brian, Chicago IL

“My boyfriend bought this for me as a gift for our second anniversary. It wasn't bad, but I'm not a fan of bumping into people on purpose... They're kinda stinky and sweaty... But the music is kinda okay!”

- Sharon, Leesburg FL

“I lost 237 lbs on the Body by Hardcore Shit exercise program, and now I'm down to just 190! When I started my first time and accidentally flattened one of the dummies Bugs Bunny style, I realized there was a problem, but with some dedication and the inability to order food at McDonalds after losing my voice screaming, I'm set! Thanks, Body by Hardcore Shit!”

- Steve, Knoxville TN

Similar exercise plans go for up to $142,999, but you won't pay anywhere near that much! Tonight only, you'll get the DVD and the dummies for just 23 payments of $19.95, and if you order in the next 18 minutes and 31 seconds, you can take two payments off!

Plus, order now and you'll also receive...

• Tummy by Techno, headlined by Nine Inch Nails and Mindless Self Indulgence


• Muscles by Metal featuring the likes of ManOwaR, Sonata Arctica and Blind Guardian


• Alternative Obliques (oh come on, it's the same sound at least!) with Blink 182, Muse, the Foo Fighters and more


• Punked Out Pecs with Operation Ivy, old school Ramones and Sex Pistols, and Pennywise


• and


• A Capella Abs (Yeah, we ran out of good body names that start with A, so sue us [legal team: please don't]) with Rockapella and various collegiate teams.

So what are you waiting for? Put down your computer and call now! (888) HARDCORE. That's (888) HARDCORE. Oh right, I didn't need to repeat it since you're reading, not listening... Oh well!

PaD 24/365: Behind the Wheel

Today's poem is something that happens to me ALL the time! Ugh, I swear I'm going to write one later on "I Hate Speed Bumps" but for other reasons... Why is it I can go 7 MPH over one and STILL feel like I just took a ride on a roller coaster with a spanker built into the seat?

So, do enjoy!

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BEHIND THE WHEEL

It's just another day, I start up the car.
Radio blasting, windows down
Going about 15 miles an hour too fast
As I power up and down the streets of town.

Red lights, speed bumps, stop signs
God how I abhor thee.
All I want is to speed and rock,
Is that too much of a plea?

But then I get in the car with a friend,
And she doesn't even speed.
She is cautious and relaxed,
And says the radio is something she doesn't need.

“That place is cool, how'd they build it so fast?”
I ask with great apprehension.
“It's been there all along,” She laughs,
“You'd see, you know, if you'd just pay attention.”