PaD 25/365: Body by Hardcore Shit

Today, for the 25th PaD, I decided to try something different: THIS IS NOT A POEM! This is, instead, a faux commercial script. I saw a "paid advertisement" for something called Hip Hop Abs, and figured this would be the next logical step (also, something I'd enjoy much more!). I do hope it is enjoyed!

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BODY BY HARDCORE SHIT

Are you sick of diets and exercise that just don't work? Do you try it half-ass, then get bored and throw in the towel? Sick of having to interrupt your life for exercise that you don't even like to do?

By the makers of Hip Hop Abs comes Body by Hardcore Shit! We know that not everyone is into Rihanna, a dozen Soulja Boy remakes and the like, so this exercise program is all about hardcore music! The soundtrack includes music by Trivium, Killswitch Engage, As I Lay Dying, Static-X, Slayer, Chimaira and many more gods of hardcore shit!

Forget the lame crunches, push ups, pull ups and sit ups! Body by Hardcore Shit introduces a new form of exercise, something you should be much more familiar with: headbanging and moshing! That's right, you'll receive three dummies with your videos, all programmed to give you the best moshing workout you can get. When the songs hit their high point, scream your fucking ass off along, burning more precious calories, as well as the ability to order your fast food items when your voice is gone!

And fuck those lame leotards in the other videos! Our demo exercisers wear just what you'd wear: concert Ts, jeans, leather, chains, you name it! They'll go from the basic techniques of bouncing around while standing and banging your head to the advanced stuff like body surfing, moshing to the death and lifting your girlfriend over your head so she can flash the band! For the ladies, you'll even learn how to remove your panties without taking your pants off, and then throw them with pinpoint accuracy right into that hot lead guitarist's face! For the men, well... You can watch women practicing removing their panties!

Don't take my word for it though, listen to these testimonials from Body by Hardcore Shit users, the only three that we could find that passed the drug and alcohol tests:

“Dude, that was totally fucking awesome! It was like getting to watch hot girls bounce around to the music I've got on CD, all for the cost of only like 2 concert tickets!”

- Brian, Chicago IL

“My boyfriend bought this for me as a gift for our second anniversary. It wasn't bad, but I'm not a fan of bumping into people on purpose... They're kinda stinky and sweaty... But the music is kinda okay!”

- Sharon, Leesburg FL

“I lost 237 lbs on the Body by Hardcore Shit exercise program, and now I'm down to just 190! When I started my first time and accidentally flattened one of the dummies Bugs Bunny style, I realized there was a problem, but with some dedication and the inability to order food at McDonalds after losing my voice screaming, I'm set! Thanks, Body by Hardcore Shit!”

- Steve, Knoxville TN

Similar exercise plans go for up to $142,999, but you won't pay anywhere near that much! Tonight only, you'll get the DVD and the dummies for just 23 payments of $19.95, and if you order in the next 18 minutes and 31 seconds, you can take two payments off!

Plus, order now and you'll also receive...

• Tummy by Techno, headlined by Nine Inch Nails and Mindless Self Indulgence


• Muscles by Metal featuring the likes of ManOwaR, Sonata Arctica and Blind Guardian


• Alternative Obliques (oh come on, it's the same sound at least!) with Blink 182, Muse, the Foo Fighters and more


• Punked Out Pecs with Operation Ivy, old school Ramones and Sex Pistols, and Pennywise


• and


• A Capella Abs (Yeah, we ran out of good body names that start with A, so sue us [legal team: please don't]) with Rockapella and various collegiate teams.

So what are you waiting for? Put down your computer and call now! (888) HARDCORE. That's (888) HARDCORE. Oh right, I didn't need to repeat it since you're reading, not listening... Oh well!